Oh, dear Lord. I usually avoid TWOP like the plague, but for some reason I started browsing the Heroes recaps, mainly focusing on Milo scenes because I don't have years to sit here reading 14 page recaps for all 18 episodes.

This reviewer is hilarious.


"I'm telling you, Nathan," he says. "I think I can fly." Nathan's like, oh, dude. No. I'm a politician. You can sleep with a hooker, you can even snort blow off her tits, but please. Don't go mental on me, okay?
- Genesis

Peter says that something's happening to him, and for some reason, he thinks that Nathan's the only one who's going to understand it. Nathan's like, dude? Say it with me: I. Am. A. Politician. Park your crazy bus in the loading zone and deliver your insanity to someone else who gives a shit, okay? Nathan's phone rings and it's their mother. She's been arrested. For shoplifting. Wow. One brother's a self-centered politician, the other thinks he can fly, and their mother steals shit? That is one Thanksgiving dinner I want to be invited to.
- Genesis

Outside, Pete sees Simone across the street hailing a cab, and he looks like he wants to call out to her, but he doesn't. Instead, he hails his own cab and asks his driver, who just happens to be Suresh, to take him to the corner of Center and Canal. And instead of going, "Corner of who and where? I just got here from India! I don't even know where the airport is!" Suresh just nods and heads out into traffic.
- Genesis

An airborne Adrian Pasdar is just too hilarious for words. In the good way. He looks so surprised and peeved, all at the same time.
- Don't Look Back

"You tried to kill yourself," whispers Nathan. "You were a little wound up yesterday. Just bein' you." Well, that's lovely. You know you can fly, but you're making your already fucked-up brother believe he's suicidal AND a pain in your ass. I am SO voting for you!
- Don't Look Back

Milo has really nice forearms. I'm not so crazy about his hair, but I can work with it.
- One Giant Leap

The book says that if genes determine obesity and blood pressure, why couldn't they determine human flight? Or something like that. I don't know. I'm too busy wondering if Adrian Pasdar's cheekbones taste like sugar.
- One Giant Leap

Simone, by the way, doesn't look displeased by Peter's announcement; rather, she looks kind of flattered and bemused. Peter, meanwhile, looks a bit uncomfortable and keeps checking back to see if she's run for the hills yet. Buck up, little soldier! You're hot! She's hot! It'll all work out for the best, I swear. Or Nathan will just announce that you didn't fly the other day but you were attempting to commit suicide because you're suffering from depression. That could happen too.
- One Giant Leap

Peter clocks him again. Hee! Go Peter! Nate just says "ow" and then asks Peter if he gets it. Peter gets it, all right: his brother is an asshole. He walks off into the rain. "Good man!" says Nate, giving him a thumbs-up. Heh. …I'm sorry. Adrian Pasdar is awesome at playing ambitious pricks.
- One Giant Leap

Simone catches up with Peter in the rain and he explains that what Nathan said isn't true; he didn't try to kill himself. She says she knows. And then they kiss. And lo, it is very hot indeed.
- One Giant Leap

Woo! Peter got some!
- Collision

The door buzzer rings, and Peter kisses her and tells her there's coffee in the kitchen before he gets up to answer the door. Aw. He's cute AND he makes coffee! I might need to marry him immediately.
- Collision

Peter annoys me by pushing his far-too-long bangs out of his eyes for the four hundredth time and says that Mohinder's father wrote about people with special abilities. "I…think I might be one of them," says Peter. Mohinder looks at him with the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashbacks and/or Commercial Segues, and we go to commercial. Dammit. I really wanted a flashback there.
- Collision

Mohinder and Pixie are standing in a doorway, discussing Peter. She thinks he might be crazy as a shithouse rat, or he's "one of them." Mohinder says that all Peter's really telling him is that he can't "do anything" and therefore is a shithouse rat. By the way, they both say "crap house" rat instead of "shithouse rat" but the censors don't allow "shithouse" so "crap house" it is. I like "shithouse" better, so I'm going to use it because I CAN. Fucking censors.
- Collision

Peter says that he should do the talking when they get there because, um, Isaac's kind of…a heroin addict. Mohinder's all, uh, dude? Where the hell are you taking me? A crack den? Peter's all, no, dude! I said HEROIN, not CRACK!
- Collision

Peter needs a barrette or a haircut because his bangs and his incessant need to tuck them behind his ear are really starting to get on my last fucking nerve. I'd prefer a barrette because we rarely ever see superheroes with pink sparkly clips holding back their hair. And Peter would look pretty in pink.
- Collision

"What girl?" asks Peter. God, he's cute. Especially in blue.
- Hiros

He starts yelling for Hiro and looking for him while all the other subway patrons are like, "Uh-oh. Looks like someone bought himself a side of crazy-ass with their Metro card tonight."
- Hiros

Back with Peter and Mohinder, Peter's trying to explain about FutureHiro, but Mohinder, who up until now had been running all over the place acting about three shades of batshit himself, suddenly doesn't believe anything coming out of Peter's mouth.
- Hiros

Peter tries to convince Mohinder that they have to go back and see Isaac. He swears that, if the answer isn't at the loft, he'll personally drive Mohinder to the airport himself. Mohinder's all, uh, sure. How 'bout you FLY me there instead. Peter's all, duuuuude. That's cold. Let's go see Isaac! Maybe he has some heroin-flavored party favors or something! If nothing else, there'll be THREE hot guys who are superheroes in one room so at least we know we'll be making SOMEONE pretty damn happy!
- Hiros

He takes off his sweater and damn, if his floopy bangs aren't all sorts of adorable when tousled. Yummy.
- Hiros

It's pretty obvious that, while Peter might have siphoned off Isaac's sight, he by no means siphoned off his talent. The finished painting is pretty bad. But we get the point: Claire's in danger of being SylarizedTM.
- Hiros

Again, hard to tell what's going on with the acting here; either Simone's so pissed at Peter that she's about to slap him, or she ate an entire head of cabbage the night before.
- Nothing to Hide

Ma Petrelli is like, "...Huh," and looks at Peter with newfound respect while Peter makes "that's Nathan, making time for his little brother even at a time like this" noises, then squints at Nathan all "you owe me big-time, bizzatch."
- Nothing to Hide

Milo V. is adorably bow-legged. I have a thing for bow-legged guys. It's why I like soccer players. That, and they always seem to take their shirts off. Of which I am a VERY big fan.
- Homecoming

She's like, you seriously believe this shit? Peter's like, dude. You have no idea. If YOU had some strange Japanese guy show up in your subway car to tell you to save the cheerleader, you'd start believing this shit too.
- Homecoming

She tells him not to go and he calmly says that he has to. God, he's cute when he's being earnest.
- Homecoming

Good god, Milo is far too adorable for his own good. I'm not a Gilmore Girls fan (do NOT email me), but now I'm thinking about renting the DVDs just to catch a glimpse of the Milo. Rowr.
- Homecoming

Ando asks if Peter has a power and Peter gets this hilarious "Keep it on the QT, dude" look on his face as he says, "Sort of."
- Homecoming

"Truthfully," says Peter, "when I'm by myself, I'm not really…anything." You're CUTE! That's something!
- Homecoming

Claire careens around the corner and, even though the hallway is about seven feet wide, she has trouble missing Peter and knocks right into him so they can meet cute in front of the trophies.
- Homecoming

They both turn and see Sylar in the distance and Peter orders Claire to get the hell out of there. Very brave, Peter, but Sylar's not your average psycho. As is soon evidenced by Sylar flicking his little finger and all the locker doors flinging off their hinges in Peter's general direction. Peter's like, uh, fuck this, and he runs off too.
- Homecoming

Peter heroically tells her not to worry about him and then shouts at her rather viciously to get the hell out of there. Damn. That was kind of sexy. Might have to watch that again. Or get a date. One or the other.
- Homecoming

Nathan hands Peter a box of women's nursing shoes and Peter just laughs instead of pulling down Nathan's pants and sticking the shoes directly up his ass.
- Six Months Ago

She asks Peter what his specialty's going to be, and he says it's hospice. "Taking care of dead people?" says Nathan. No, Nathan. That's a coroner. Or a morgue attendant. Or a funeral director. How'd he get to be a lawyer? He doesn't know what a damn hospice worker is; it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know what a judge and jury are either.
- Six Months Ago

Nathan grabs his brother around the neck and plants a kiss on his head and then Roxy Music starts playing on the stereo and they start making out as god intended. Or Heidi just enters and starts spasmodically flailing her limbs around in an effort to entice her husband to the dance floor.
- Six Months Ago

Nathan touches his brother on the shoulder (because a scene in which the Petrelli brothers are not touching each other is clearly a scene where they are not in the same zip code)
- Six Months Ago

I swear they touch each other more than any brothers have a right to. And I watch Supernatural, y'all. I'm not saying I mind it -- I mean, Pasdar and Milo are hot on their own; together, they're practically an inferno -- but it does make me wonder if Pasdar and Milo, like, visit the craft services table and giggle while they go over the script and insert "Peter touches Nathan suggestively" and "Nathan stares longingly at his brother" in between the written lines. You totally know they'd do that shit; I have a feeling they both have rather twisted and freaky senses of humor. Especially Pasdar. You just know he has some velvet clown paintings in his basement.
- Six Months Ago

The doctor goes to touch Nathan on the shoulder, but since he's not Peter, Nathan slaps his hand away.
- Six Months Ago

Oooh, I love it when they slick back Peter's hair when he's supposed to be all serious! So pretty.
- Six Months Ago

He walks over to engage in our first BroYay moment of the evening as Peter dazedly wonders why Nathan's not reading him the riot act.
- Fallout

Suddenly, Peter gets this look on his face like, "What the fuck just happened to my head?" Matt pointedly shoots a look at Peter's head and Peter looks like he's just been brained with a shovel.
- Fallout

Peter's sitting in his cell, intermittently coughing and looking like death slightly warmed over a Bunsen burner in the corner of a dirty meth lab.
- Fallout

Well, in his defense, if my daughter were in a closed cell with Milo Ventimiglia, I'd probably stand there staring at them too. But I'm not sure whether it would be out of protective instinct or just plain jealousy.
- Fallout

"I just knew I had to save you," says Peter, looking at her intensely. Actually, they're both looking at each other intensely. Everything in this scene is very intense. The damn commode is all, "I feel this scene intensely. We must save the world! And get more toilet paper! Intensely!"
- Fallout

Either Peter's not completely healed inside because he's not a natural healer, or he's suffering from what we like to call Sylar Syndrome: the result of excessive overexposure to multiple superpowers; patient will appear pale, sweaty and weak; oh, and also batshit crazy.
- Fallout

"You're totally my hero," she says, throwing Peter some serious bedroom eyes. I'm not making this up, you guys. She looks at him like she wants to throw him down on that bunk and find out what this "orgasm" thing is that everyone's talking about.
- Fallout

Nathan tells his brother to breathe, but it looks like Peter's done with all that breathing stuff and he appears to flatline in Nathan's arms.
- Fallout

Peter's coma-ing out, looking sweaty and sickly. Stellar coma-acting by Milo, by the way. Excellent lid work.
- Godsend

Mama P's all, twenty-six years old and he's gonna die of a heart attack? I don't THINK so. She stomps off to take a bite out of the medical staff's collective ass.
- Godsend

Simone gets up to leave, and Nathan stops at his brother's side, leans over, PAUSES, then lays the longest, sweetest kiss on Peter's cheek that I've ever seen from a heterosexual man IN MY LIFE. Don't care if they're Italian, y'all -- Pasdar's totally fucking with us. A kiss on the forehead? Good. A kiss on the cheek that is about a millimeter from Milo's mouth? Better. And fucking hilarious. Also? He rasps, "I love you, man" before he walks off. Hee. Hee hee hee hee hee. That shit better show up in a series of outtakes on the Heroes DVDs, yo. Like, I want a whole section devoted to the BroYay. I seriously think that Pasdar and Venti sit around their trailers concocting ways to bring more BroYay into their scenes. I could not love them more if they were covered in cotton candy.
- Godsend

In a nice bit of continuity, Peter still looks like hollowed-out crap.
- Godsend

With furious eyes, Christopher Eccleston turns around and incredulously says, "You can see me." "You--" is all Peter manages before Christopher Eccleston grabs him and slams him up against a pole (dirty!).
- Godsend

Christopher Eccleston steps back. "Fantastic," he says bitterly, channeling The Doctor.
- The Fix

Claude starts to leave and Peter's all, you can't hide from me! I'm…I'm going to follow you! Yeah, that's it! Claude's all, dude? I wouldn't recommend that. I'm one feisty Invisible Man over here. I'll get all transparent on your ass. Now bugger off, Little Boy Bangs.
- The Fix

Peter says there has to be a way to control it. If he can't, New York will explode. Oh, and so will he. Claude's all, an exploding man? Are you mental? Where'd that come from? "My dreams," says Peter. Claude's like, what are you, Patricia Arquette now?
- The Fix

Nathan threatens Peter with possible mental hospital incarceration. Peter drops his bag and moves closer to his brother, shooting Mohinder a "Could you possibly bugger off?" look. Mohinder moves away.
- The Fix

"How man--how many people have you taught before me?" Claude hunches forward with a serious look on his face, but doesn't provide the answer Peter's looking for. Instead, he just says, "Come on, mate! I'll steal us a cab!" Peter's all, but what about the "they"? Claude just wrenches the door open and goes, "You comin' or not?" Peter's all, yay! An adventure! They head out.
- The Fix

So how do you, just by touching, make shit vanish? I mean, the pretzel doesn't have a superpower, does it? How about the scarf? So, like, if Claude touched a building, would it disappear? Ouch. I've already given myself a headache, and we're only thirty seconds into the show. I think I need to follow my instincts on this one and just ignore the incongruity of Claude's magically transferable invisibility powers and concentrate more on how damn cute both of these actors are.

Ah. I'm feeling better already.
- Distractions

Peter fails to see how petty thievery is going to help him control his gift. Claude thinks Peter is an idiot. He's like, dude? Right now, your power is just a reflex. It's like a dog's trick. What, you wanna be a poodle? Arf. Arf. Peter's all, uh, is insulting me really gonna help in this situation? We're really not getting anywhere. I laugh out loud every time at Milo's delivery of the insult line. He's totally irritated with Claude and he's getting that petulant "I just want my damn candy, already!" sound to his voice. It's hilarious.
- Distractions

Peter stands there with the purse as the woman Claude took it from realizes she's been mugged. She looks around for her bag, and when she turns back, Peter's materialized and he's remembered to breathe, but it's more of a "Holy shit, I'm in trouble!" breathing than an "I am calmly channeling my invisibility powers" breathing. Hee.
- Distractions

They've stopped in front of a wall with Nathan's congressional bid posters all over it. "How can you not punch that face every time you see it?" says Claude. Heh. You can punch it, Claude. It'd rather lick it, thanks.
- Distractions

Peter thinks that they can spy on Simone all they want, they'll still never find any dirt on her because she's a perfect person with eyes the color of china blue teacups. Claude's like, yeah wotevah. Let's go watch Simone make out with Isaac, you fool.
- Distractions

Peter looks hella-angry and Claude looks incredibly pleased with himself. See, Peter? People really DO suck!
- Distractions

"You have to listen to me--" "And I am tired of you telling me what I have to do! I don't have to do anything!" "Except fly," says Claude.

And then he pushes Peter over the side of the building.

Oh, that is too awesome.
- Distractions

Peter drops like a stone, clearly not remembering how to fly. He manages to turn around in mid-air, though, so that when he finally does crash into the cab that Isaac painted, he lands on his ass instead of his face. We thank him for that.
- Distractions

Peter's overloading. He's about to blow! Whap! Claude decks Peter with a solid right hook and Peter hits the pavement. Heh. "Well, it's a start," he says, standing over Peter's fallen body. Hee. I can think of several other Heroes who might benefit from Claude's form of "education." Matt? I'M LOOKING AT YOU.
- Distractions

Claude's engaging Peter in a staff and rod training session. Sadly, that is NOT a euphemism.
- Unexpected

It's a really fun fight, actually; mostly because Christopher Eccleston wields his stick with particular finesse. Also, he's hot. So is Milo. Which makes the scene even that much more entertaining.
- Unexpected

Bennet and the Haitian Sensation run up to the edge of the roof and look over, only to see Peter, with Claude in his arms, flying straight up into the sky. Kick. ASS. Peter flies off into the night with his boyfriend over his shoulders and that is just so totally fucking awesome I can't stand it.
- Unexpected

When his vision clears, he sees that it's a painting of Peter, only Peter looks wicked pissed. Sure enough, when Peter appears behind him, he looks furious. "Why'd you do it, Isaac?" he rasps. "What, they give you money? Drugs? What's a Judas get these days?" Ooooh. Snap.
- Unexpected

"You stole her away from me!" shouts Isaac. Oh, okay, Drug Boy. You were shooting up and Peter saved your life and he stole Simone from you? In case you forgot, you were in Bennet's home-style rehab center, jackass. Ain't nobody stealing NOTHIN' around here.
- Unexpected

Peter easily picks up her body and carries her over to Isaac's bed. I don't know why, but that totally impressed me; because Milo V. isn't a bodybuilder, you know? He strikes me as possessing a wiry strength, but he's not a big guy. And the way he just picked up Tawny Cypress like she was made of feathers was kind of hot. Yes, I may need a date or something sometime soon. I am aware of this. Shut up.
- Parasite

I'd like to take a moment and thank Milo and the Pasdar for acting the holy shit out of this scene while still managing to touch each other as much as possible. It's hard to insert dirty asides in a scene this good, people. I don't know if I can do it.
- Parasite

Nathan's says that this ain't no time to be noble, and that he's trying to save his brother's ass once again, and if he doesn't appreciate that, then no make out sessions for him!
- Parasite

He looks up, and that's when we see that Mohinder is, like, stapled to the ceiling or something, and he looks like one hot mess.
- Parasite

We hear the trademark clock ticking that signifies when Sylar's about to Sylarize someone, and he points his finger at Peter's head and starts to cut. Peter screams (Milo V. has a damn fine scream, y'all) and screams and screams.
- Parasite


*giggles*

Just to clarify, I'm still in the Paire = squick camp, but I couldn't not quote the stuff I did because it cracked me up and that's the whole point of this pointless post!

I think my favorite stuff was all the HoYay/BroYay comments. I almost fell out my chair laughing imagining Milo and Adrian coming up with that stuff exactly the way she described. lol And the "I just want my damn candy, already!" one is what prompted this post to begin with.

That was too much fun. And waaaaaaaaay too unproductive, so I guess I should do something useful, like giving the dog a bath. 'Cos he smells in a way he has no right or reason to.